Dear Mother,
Here I am, years down the road. I still remember you, your voice, your eyes, your mannerisms. I am on the road to healing, even though it has been years since your did what you did to me. In a way, I miss you. I wish that our relationship were different; I wish that you could have been the mother that God intended you to be. I used to hate you; I still do not understand why anyone would kill and want to kill her children. You were 14 when you had my brother, a year and a month later, I came along. I understand now, that you were young and terrified. You had little to no support so what could you do? You were abused and knew of nothing else.
I have many questions I would like to ask you… maybe they will be answered or maybe they won’t. Either way, you needn’t have to worry. Let me tell you about me. I am still alive and well. I have loved and lost. I am stronger because of you. I understand pain and fear. I can help people that wonder if they are the only out there lost in their pain. Of course, there are some bad things, I cannot trust, as I should… because of you and father. I cannot cry as easily, because you taught me not to. I have learned to not rely on anybody… I have found it hard to forgive. Nevertheless, I am working on that. Sometimes I get angry or sad for no reason at all. Some days I think of you and other days I cannot seem to picture your face. I wish that you had given me up for adoption when I was born. Maybe then, it would not hurt so badly. Please do not feel like this letter is belittling you, because that is not what I want to do. I love you the way I would love a long lost friend. I cannot not say I honestly love you like my mother, because you were never a mother to me.
I will make a promise… a promise that I know I can fulfill. My children and grandchildren will know of you. I will talk of you and I will tell the truth. I will tell them that you loved me the best way an immature 15 yo mom could love. I will tell them that you made choices that affected your life, their life and mine. However, I will never forget you. Maybe someday we will meet again. Maybe someday, I can tell you face to face that I love and forgive you. I might even get the courage to hug you, something that you had never done to me. You took a piece of my heart with you. A piece that I am not sure will ever be replaced. I wish you could see me now, to see how I have grown and changed. I wish that you could be proud of who I am becoming.
I am thankful for everything you have given me. You gave me life. You could have aborted me… but you chose to have me. You gave me a chance to breathe, and a chance to grow and break the cycle of abuse. You made the biggest and best choice of my life. I cannot thank you enough...
I want to tell you before I go, mother; you are beautiful. I love you in a way no words can express. You are precious to me, like a jewel. I hope you can read this someday, I pray that your eyes are open to the pain that you caused both you and me. I pray that God will come to you and show His amazing love to you…
Amazing love… how sweet it is… to save the wretch and broken like me… how precious did it appear the hour I thought…
I was not enough….
Love,
Your Daughter
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