I Climbed a Mountain...

I climbed a mountain...

You called it a mustard seed.

I loved hate...

You taught me to love.

I gave up on trust...

You taught me to get up and try again.

I never cried...

You told me it was okay to let go.

I wondered if my life would change...

You said, if I want change... I need to be change.

So here I am...

I climbed that mountain...

I reached the top.

I raise my hands in victory...

I am here... because...

Of your love for me...

~Marie J.~

This is a poem to thank the special people in my life... I thank God for the next day to breathe and help others. Mom, who worked hard to make me a better person and survived my hateful little 7 year self, to dad, who also pushed me to do even better tomorrow. To my friends who listened to me rant and rave about my parents and how I thought they weren't doing the right thing, then they would show me what I was missing. I thank the animals, who really taught me about love. I know it is odd to thank an animal... but I do... so thanks Buger Bear, Belle, Beauty, Spooky, Scraunch, and Tunia! I love you all soo much!

How it Feels to be Me...

This is how it feels to have pain...

To wonder if this is part of God's plan.

This is how life is supposed to be...

To open the eyes of those who can't see.

This is how it feels to not be believed...

To be the one not received.

This is how it feels to cry out...

To be the one left to doubt.

This is how it is to fear...

To question if God is really that near.

This is how it feels to hate...

To wonder if forgiveness is too late.

This how it feels to wonder why one is alive...

To question why one had survived.

This is how it feels when one's faith is slowly withering away...

This is how it feels to smile...

To wonder if it could stay for a while.

This is how it is to trust...

To believe in oneself is a must.

This is how it feels to finally be able to cry...

To get to a point where one doesn't have to try.

This is how it feels to finally be able to love...

To believe for the first time, that there is a God above.

This is how it feels to be alive...

To have one more day to strive.

This how it feels to breathe...

This... is how it feels to be me...

~Marie J.~

P.s.

I am glad that you took the time to read this poem. But before you go to another page I want you to know, sometimes the saying "No pain... no gain" is true... I am stronger because of pain. I can write because of pain. I know pain and I have lived with pain. What pain meant to steal away from me... I gained back and more.

I can help people that writhe in spiritual pain and hide it so no one can see that they are struggling. I have hidden and buried my pain so that everyone could think I was strong and unbreakable... but inside... I was weak and fragile. It is hard to admit that I needed help, because I always thought (and still do) I could do it on my own.

Back when I lived with my birth parents, fear and tears could get me killed. I had to act strong and not give my parents the pleasure of seeing my pain. I hated it when I winced, because I knew they wanted that. So I began to feed my pain and hatred, I hated everything and it took me years (and help... just ask my mom, she has scars to prove it!) and tons of tears to get to where I am now. But, I am still working on who I want to be...

So thank you for believing in me and all the prayers... thank you for reading and caring enough to read. Thank you for sharing.

Please feel free to share any of my poems!

A Letter to my Birth Mother

Dear Mother,

Here I am, years down the road. I still remember you, your voice, your eyes, your mannerisms. I am on the road to healing, even though it has been years since your did what you did to me. In a way, I miss you. I wish that our relationship were different; I wish that you could have been the mother that God intended you to be. I used to hate you; I still do not understand why anyone would kill and want to kill her children. You were 14 when you had my brother, a year and a month later, I came along. I understand now, that you were young and terrified. You had little to no support so what could you do? You were abused and knew of nothing else.

I have many questions I would like to ask you… maybe they will be answered or maybe they won’t. Either way, you needn’t have to worry. Let me tell you about me. I am still alive and well. I have loved and lost. I am stronger because of you. I understand pain and fear. I can help people that wonder if they are the only out there lost in their pain. Of course, there are some bad things, I cannot trust, as I should… because of you and father. I cannot cry as easily, because you taught me not to. I have learned to not rely on anybody… I have found it hard to forgive. Nevertheless, I am working on that. Sometimes I get angry or sad for no reason at all. Some days I think of you and other days I cannot seem to picture your face. I wish that you had given me up for adoption when I was born. Maybe then, it would not hurt so badly. Please do not feel like this letter is belittling you, because that is not what I want to do. I love you the way I would love a long lost friend. I cannot not say I honestly love you like my mother, because you were never a mother to me.

I will make a promise… a promise that I know I can fulfill. My children and grandchildren will know of you. I will talk of you and I will tell the truth. I will tell them that you loved me the best way an immature 15 yo mom could love. I will tell them that you made choices that affected your life, their life and mine. However, I will never forget you. Maybe someday we will meet again. Maybe someday, I can tell you face to face that I love and forgive you. I might even get the courage to hug you, something that you had never done to me. You took a piece of my heart with you. A piece that I am not sure will ever be replaced. I wish you could see me now, to see how I have grown and changed. I wish that you could be proud of who I am becoming.

I am thankful for everything you have given me. You gave me life. You could have aborted me… but you chose to have me. You gave me a chance to breathe, and a chance to grow and break the cycle of abuse. You made the biggest and best choice of my life. I cannot thank you enough...

I want to tell you before I go, mother; you are beautiful. I love you in a way no words can express. You are precious to me, like a jewel. I hope you can read this someday, I pray that your eyes are open to the pain that you caused both you and me. I pray that God will come to you and show His amazing love to you…

Amazing love… how sweet it is… to save the wretch and broken like me… how precious did it appear the hour I thought…

I was not enough….

Love,

Your Daughter

If I Could Write a Letter to Me...

If I could write a letter to me...

To help myself become who I want to be.

I would begin by saying...

Let go of pain, to keep your heart from weighing.

Allow your tears...

To chase away all of your fears.

Take that painful step to trust...

Talk so your heart won't bust.

As you grow older...

File your past into a folder.

Don't forget who you are...

Follow Christ, whether near or far.

You will fall on your face...

Just get back up and dust yourself in grace.

You will wanna cry...

But don't ever decide not to try.

You will love and hate...

But don't forget that to forgive, it is never too late.

You will flail in the sea of pain...

Don't forget, this is all part of God's plan.

If I could write a letter to me...

I would open your eyes so you could see.

You are caring and kind...

So throw those dirty thoughts out of your mind.

You are worth dying for...

So don't use that excuse anymore.

You are on the road to healing...

Open your heart to all of your feelings.

Don't allow yourself to become numb...

If you do, then you are on the road to become a bum.

Work for everything you have...

Clean your wounded heart with God's loving salve.

Don't worry that you won't fall in love...

Cause God is still grooming the one from above.

Go ahead and cry...

Please, don't be afraid to try.

If I could write a letter to me...

I know I could make you see.

Hold my hand...

Let's trudge through that hot desert sand.

Don't forget I love you...

Remember, I will always be true.

This is a letter from me...

You will be better than you ever dreamed to be.

This is what I would say...

So you could read it every day.

If I could write a letter to me...

This... is what you would see...

~Marie J.~

Listen...

I cry out...

Silence makes me doubt.

Can anyone see...

That I hate everything about me?

I won't cry...

I am not even gonna try.

Nobody wants to hear what I have to say...

I don't even want to live one more day.

I just want to curl up and die...

I am tired of asking myself, "Why me? Why?"

I want to give up and go...

I am tired of  feeling so low.

Put a bullet in my chest...

Can't even say I did my best.

Love is a foolish word...

It is the most misused word I have heard.

Why am I alive?

Why did I survive?

If this is my purpose...

Then it is worthless.

Nobody listens...

Nobody can see my eyes glisten.

I hate my life...

I hate this strife.

It's one battle after another...

Storm after storm...

I gasp for air...

Air that shouldn't be there.

God, if you can read this...

hold my hand and reassure with a kiss.

Tell me it is okay...

To struggle to breathe one more day.

Bring someone to listen...

To see my eyes glisten.

Please?

~Marie J.~

P.S: God has answered my prayer about sending someone to listen. I want to thank her for being a listening ear and willing to stand there and talk to me about her past. I cannot thank her enough.