Not Me...

Not Me…

I lower my lashes to keep you from seeing my tears… the pain… Confusion rushes through me, why am I this way? Why am I so different? Why do I view life so differently? Well, I will let you know why… if you continue to read this…

 

  Close your eyes and try to imagine, sitting alone in the dark… so cold… so hungry… so afraid… Your skin is so cold; there are no goose bumps on your skin. Your breath comes shallow and you try to warm your cold hands.  Ignoring the ticklish feeling of lice in your hair, on your face, on your eyebrows…

Your stomach is numb with hunger, you long for food. Anything… just one morsel… one crumb. You began to salivate as you imagine the taste… the texture… the warmth of one piece of cereal.  Your body burns from the lashes of the belt your mother beat you with. You eyes burn with unshed tears, and your grit your teeth to keep them from coming. You begin to think about your hatred… the anger towards the whole world. You ask yourself, “Why me? What did I do for mom and dad to hate me?” You shiver silently, begging your eyes to not let the tears go… because if you did… Mother would mock you… hitting you again and again…

Imagine the absolute terror of your father’s footsteps… as he comes into your room. He begins to hurt you… again and again.  You bite back your screams… you blink away your tears… your eyes roll back as pain fills your body… the ache… the numbness that soon claims you. A whirling darkness… so safe… so calming… you begin to relax… there is no pain now, only a dull ache inside. This… is your hiding place…

You come to your senses… and father has collapsed on top of you… you wiggle away, careful to not stir him… then you crawl to the darkest corner. Your stare at father’s still form on the floor… a finger twitches… then another. Your legs are covered in blood, your body aches horribly and your stomach churns. Flinching, you get to your feet… stumbling… tiptoeing… you ease to the closet… Where there is darkness… there is a hiding place…

You begin to forget about being hungry… you no longer fantasize about a morsel, but instead of the next breath… You count your breaths… knowing it could be your last… You remember the dimness of your sister’s eyes as she laid there dying… The dullness of you baby sitter’s bright blue eyes as her head was discarded from her lifeless body… You remember that she died… because she said she loved you… and she gave you a hug… you can still remember the smell of her perfume… clinging to her… not wanting to ever let go… but you did… and now… she is gone… gone…      

….gone….

A overwhelming anger fills you… you begin to lash out… hating others because they weren’t there… they didn’t save you… and they should have… You are tired all the time… your body aches… and your heart is past hurting… you feel no pain… you are numb… you are me…

You move away… from one place to another, nothing really changes. You understand now that there is no such thing as love… what is love? Where is love? You push away from others… hurting them, trying to make them understand that you had hurt so badly once in your life… Oh, how desperately do you want them to see that you were in pain! However, you can’t bring yourself to admit… that you were in pain… You must stay strong… You must show them that you cannot be hurt anymore… You must fight back before they even began to fight…

Well, here you are… in the arms of some dumb lady… she holds you and rocks you… telling you how she loves you… you stare at the ceiling fan… “No one can love me, you dumb lady… I am worthless… Ask my mom… my dad… I am not good! I am ruined… I am a failure… It is my fault everything happened… If only I had not done…” you think to yourself… you try to show dumb lady how you hate her and everyone else… You don’t want her to love you because it is impossible… No one can love you…

No one…

The stupid woman continues to hold you… after years… the wall in your heart begins to slip… The terror! No, your only thing to keep from hurting is leaving… You try hard to get it back… for a while. Then you realize that it is safe here… maybe… just maybe…

 

Your tears! Your first tears are rolling down your cheeks… pain… you have finally opened up to feel… to explore your emotions. Your throat burns from holding them in for so long… this is a new feeling… The feeling of security… maybe this dumb lady isn’t so dumb… maybe…

You start to feel, and even open yourself wider to explore this feeling… to live… this is to live… Your anger starts to leave… and you hold on to it for just a little longer… after all, it was your friend for so many years… Anger kept you alive…

You let go of so many negative emotions… now… you must fight each and every day to keep them away… It is hard… so very hard… but you grit your teeth and try to keep the anger from hurting… you realize that others don’t seem to understand… your pain…it makes you angry… they try to do mean things…because they don’t get it…because they are not you… and You…

Are not me…

 

~Marie J.~