I have been asked on several occasions why I (a foster/adopted/abused kid) acted the way I used to... Why did I go out of my way to hurt or destroy... why I just didn't seem to understand obedience... and then why I just couldn't seem to get along...
Well...
The answer to those questions are fairly easy to answer...
I came from a place where hurt and destroying was just a normal occurence... I was hurt and I had my trust destroyed again and again. I didn't have a clue about obedience... the only obedience I had to learn was- "If I beat... you don't make a sound or I will beat harder." or "Don't cry... just shut up and take it." So I did obey... I never cried... I never made a sound when I was in pain. (even to this day I will not make a sound if I am in enough pain. I just stay very silent.) So I did learn... just not what most good parents wanted me to learn.
My rebellion early on was not totally my fault. Yes, I did allow my anger to play in alot, but I was not planning like the evil villians in a movie do... "muhaha, if I slap this little girl then mom will be mad... muhaha I am gonna do just that." No, my thinking went more like this... "That dumb girl just won't leave me alone... she makes me mad... and whatever consequence I get is not too bad... just as long as I get that girl to go away."
I still remember one time when I was washing dishes, (I was about 8 or 9) and I had to wash mom's coffee cup... I washed... just "forgot" to rinse it. So there was some soap in the cup. I asked mom if I could get her a cup of coffee... she said sure, so I went happily to get her a cup of coffee. I handed the cup to her and sat down on the couch to eagerly wait and see what kind of explosion I had created.
She took a sip...
I crossed my fingers and toes...
She set the coffee cup down...
And you know what? She didn't say a dang thing! She just got up, poured the coffee out, rinsed the cup and got her a new cup! Talk about a disappontment! Here I was, so eagerly waiting for her to jump up and scream in my face telling me I was doomed to washing dishes until hell freezes over! Not that I enjoyed washing dishes, but it was a bit funny to watch her face get all red.
One time I had accidently participated in a cat trying to take a bath in the fountain... and mom had accidently decided to scream at me. Asking "WHY!" to everything I had spoken. She got in my face and proceeded to yell... I stepped back and looked her in the eye and said, "Mom, you just spit all over me." I mean I was REALLY nice when I said it!! She paused for a moment then begin to lick my face! I was not happy about that... That was not too fun...
I have been asked why I would hurt mom when she nicely provided a home for me. But I have always wanted to ask them why they thought I deserved a home. Why do I, really deserve a home? What have I done that meant that HAD DESERVED a home? I never deserved anything before, I was told that I was stupid, worthless, and I was hated. My bio mom would strangle me and tell me how much I had ruined her life... I was the stupid one... I didn't even deserve the food in my stomach. From then on, food never entered the house.
When I moved to my adoptive family's house, I knew who I was...
I was the unwanted... unloved, I deserved pain. Everything I went through was because I deserved it. I ruined my mom's life. It was my fault that I was so ugly that no man would ever fall in love with me.
I was told that for 7 years... so how was I supposed to change automatically and fall madly in love with my mom because she offered a home? Why should I have cared? Tell me, should I have clung to mom and told her of my undying love and decide to obey every rule she had?
No!
Because how could I tell you what it is like to be adopted if it was all so easy? How would I have found strength to get up and find the courage to forgive my past for what had happened? I had to learn... and in order to learn, one must push limits and see just how far they can go. Just like a two year old... so I did.
It doesn't make me stupid or dumb... I just had to learn.
My learning experience was a bit tough... due to never learning and anger... Along with some negative feelings about myself. What I don't think alot of people understand, is alot of my thinking wasn't my fault. I didn't wake up one morning and decide to think "hey, I want to think I am worthless... so I am worthless."
What is spoken over you, you just naturally assume it is true... this mostly is true if you are a youngster. So please I hope you can understand that it is a bit tougher to be a child of abuse then a kid that has never experienced pain. If you choose to adopt, then don't be suprised if that kid shows their true color. Teach them who the boss is and go with it.
It is very important to make sure that kid knows that you are the boss. You make the biggest decisons... you are the parent. Don't beat them senseless, trust me, I am sure they have had more of that then they need. Train them like you would train a abused pet. With love, care, and boundries.
If you teach them that way... That kid will never forget you.
They may not become as good as you want them to be... but inside them they will know that they did have a chance to a better life... and someday they might even turn to that...
I hope this can help you help those of us who hurt... Those of us who confuse you and those of us, you just don't seem to understand...
To help you get...
Into the Mind of the Hurting...
Marie J.
Well...
The answer to those questions are fairly easy to answer...
I came from a place where hurt and destroying was just a normal occurence... I was hurt and I had my trust destroyed again and again. I didn't have a clue about obedience... the only obedience I had to learn was- "If I beat... you don't make a sound or I will beat harder." or "Don't cry... just shut up and take it." So I did obey... I never cried... I never made a sound when I was in pain. (even to this day I will not make a sound if I am in enough pain. I just stay very silent.) So I did learn... just not what most good parents wanted me to learn.
My rebellion early on was not totally my fault. Yes, I did allow my anger to play in alot, but I was not planning like the evil villians in a movie do... "muhaha, if I slap this little girl then mom will be mad... muhaha I am gonna do just that." No, my thinking went more like this... "That dumb girl just won't leave me alone... she makes me mad... and whatever consequence I get is not too bad... just as long as I get that girl to go away."
I still remember one time when I was washing dishes, (I was about 8 or 9) and I had to wash mom's coffee cup... I washed... just "forgot" to rinse it. So there was some soap in the cup. I asked mom if I could get her a cup of coffee... she said sure, so I went happily to get her a cup of coffee. I handed the cup to her and sat down on the couch to eagerly wait and see what kind of explosion I had created.
She took a sip...
I crossed my fingers and toes...
She set the coffee cup down...
And you know what? She didn't say a dang thing! She just got up, poured the coffee out, rinsed the cup and got her a new cup! Talk about a disappontment! Here I was, so eagerly waiting for her to jump up and scream in my face telling me I was doomed to washing dishes until hell freezes over! Not that I enjoyed washing dishes, but it was a bit funny to watch her face get all red.
One time I had accidently participated in a cat trying to take a bath in the fountain... and mom had accidently decided to scream at me. Asking "WHY!" to everything I had spoken. She got in my face and proceeded to yell... I stepped back and looked her in the eye and said, "Mom, you just spit all over me." I mean I was REALLY nice when I said it!! She paused for a moment then begin to lick my face! I was not happy about that... That was not too fun...
I have been asked why I would hurt mom when she nicely provided a home for me. But I have always wanted to ask them why they thought I deserved a home. Why do I, really deserve a home? What have I done that meant that HAD DESERVED a home? I never deserved anything before, I was told that I was stupid, worthless, and I was hated. My bio mom would strangle me and tell me how much I had ruined her life... I was the stupid one... I didn't even deserve the food in my stomach. From then on, food never entered the house.
When I moved to my adoptive family's house, I knew who I was...
I was the unwanted... unloved, I deserved pain. Everything I went through was because I deserved it. I ruined my mom's life. It was my fault that I was so ugly that no man would ever fall in love with me.
I was told that for 7 years... so how was I supposed to change automatically and fall madly in love with my mom because she offered a home? Why should I have cared? Tell me, should I have clung to mom and told her of my undying love and decide to obey every rule she had?
No!
Because how could I tell you what it is like to be adopted if it was all so easy? How would I have found strength to get up and find the courage to forgive my past for what had happened? I had to learn... and in order to learn, one must push limits and see just how far they can go. Just like a two year old... so I did.
It doesn't make me stupid or dumb... I just had to learn.
My learning experience was a bit tough... due to never learning and anger... Along with some negative feelings about myself. What I don't think alot of people understand, is alot of my thinking wasn't my fault. I didn't wake up one morning and decide to think "hey, I want to think I am worthless... so I am worthless."
What is spoken over you, you just naturally assume it is true... this mostly is true if you are a youngster. So please I hope you can understand that it is a bit tougher to be a child of abuse then a kid that has never experienced pain. If you choose to adopt, then don't be suprised if that kid shows their true color. Teach them who the boss is and go with it.
It is very important to make sure that kid knows that you are the boss. You make the biggest decisons... you are the parent. Don't beat them senseless, trust me, I am sure they have had more of that then they need. Train them like you would train a abused pet. With love, care, and boundries.
If you teach them that way... That kid will never forget you.
They may not become as good as you want them to be... but inside them they will know that they did have a chance to a better life... and someday they might even turn to that...
I hope this can help you help those of us who hurt... Those of us who confuse you and those of us, you just don't seem to understand...
To help you get...
Into the Mind of the Hurting...
Marie J.
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